Today was an emotional day. First I wake up and find out my SIL is having a boy.....NO idea why but I suddenly got really upset and jealous. I KNOW what they are having has no impact on what we are having but my brain couldn't help but think...what if I have a girl, then I have to watch them have a boy. HOW HORRIBLE of me to think this! I know a healthy baby is what is important, and sex really shouldn't matter, but I'm so beyond scared to have a girl first, if even at all. I know in my heart I would learn the girly stuff if I needed to but I want a boy so bad it consumes me at times. This can't be normal, when most moms get asked what they want they say-as long as its healthy they don't care (do they just SAY this or is it REALLY what they think). And yes thats a great answer and I want that first but when some one asks me that same question I almost yell boy! I don't think I would enjoy a girl as much, I hate to say this but I am so nervous I would be sad to have a girl and maybe even be THAT parent who treats their kid different because of it. I wish I could say this was hormones but I have thought like this forever. Does ANYONE else feel like this or did feel like this? Did you get the sex of your desire? If not--how did you react? One of the reasons I'm waiting to find out the sex is because I'm hoping that if it is a girl that there is NO way I could be upset about it while they are handing me a beatiful baby. Right? You can't be upset with a newborn in your arms! Right?! Also then my brain thinks---Its better I admit this and that since I recognize it I will not do anything different, but then there is the I recognize it and over compensate for it---hense STILL treating a girl different! Am I just screwed if I have a girl?
Now second thing. One of my friends who has had a couple miscarriages found out why today. There is genetic issues going on. But ones they can work through! My FIRST emotion wasn't oh poor them, or what are they going to do now.....nope not me today I'm a horrible person...my first emotion was jealousy that they got a reason, I was literally crying because I was HAPPY they got THAT magical question of "why did this happen to me?" was answered for them. That question that can eat a person up, they now know why. I have often wondered which is better. To KNOW the issue but that means you have one. Or to not know because that means nothing is wrong with you. Which is better? I of course then went to other appropriate reactions and worried about him and her and what their plans are next and so forth.
2 comments:
((HUGS)) to you. You're so brave to be so honesst in a public forum. :) I've heard lots of friends express what you are, and it's not unusual. I've had three different friends who literally cried for days after their big u/s because it wasn't the gender they wanted, and now they are fiercely proud mamas who love their little ones, and are so glad things turned out the way they did.
With our first, we had the option of requesting gender. We opted not to, even though we both really wanted it girl, it just didn't feel right. While we were waiting, we wavered on whether to call our agency & change our paperwork to ask for a girl. When we finally got the call that we had a child waiting for us, I remember it was the word "HEALTHY" that stuck in my head, followed by baby boy. I was so overjoyed to hear that 1) I was now a parent and 2) he was perfect in every way, that I wasn't disappointed at all. And the moment I saw his pic I just fell in love.
With my second, I'd hoped for a girl, but when we had our u/s they first checked all his vital organs. It was such a relief to see that the baby was 100% normal that when we finally got the gender I was just thankful to know that our baby boy was healthy and on track. I fell in love the moment I saw his little profile.
I think it's good that you're waiting to learn the gender. I am 99% certain that at the end of this pregnancy, after proving your womanhood by going through labor :) you'll hold that baby, whatever gender he or she is, and fall in love with ten perfect tiny fingers and toes; with eyes that look like your husbands (or yours!); with pouty little lips that are just perfect...it's truly magical. Hang in there. :)
Thank you for that! :)
I swore that this blog was going to be open and honest and I really did/do want to show whats REALLY going on with me and my pregnancy. Not just the perfect stuff, because its not always perfect. I hope to look at this some day and if I have a girl Laugh at the fact I thought this way! LOL
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