The Mourner's Bill of Rights
By Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts." Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliched responses some people may give you. Comments like "It was God's will," or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
I love this---its now part of my strength, I'm glad someone found it and shared it with me.
3 comments:
Hello Angela. Before I proceed any farther, do not feel the need to approve this message, this is not my attention (although if you feel the need, by all means do; just do whatever you feel right doing).
You do not know me and I do not know you, although I did make rash and unfair assumptions about you, *thinking* I knew 'enough' about you.
I was the one who sent you probably one of the nastiest comments ever left for you to read. I was the one who said that you were a troll, that you had made a mockery out of loss, and alluded that you could not have possibly had your R.N. license.
Pregnancy loss is an event I hold very dear and close to my heart. Being so, I am realizing that I tend to be quite hypersensitive and perhaps even obnoxiously vigilant in regards to possible faked losses.
It really is irrevelent how I came across your story. I don't believe that me disclosing that to you will benefit you in anyway, or have any significant impact in either direction, really. But the point is, that when I came across your story, my mind immediately went into 'hunt mode.' I can't stand injustice, and like I said before, I tend to let that passion overtake my rational side (or lack of one) and everything just went downhill after that.
It doesn't happen to every loss that I hear about. In fact, most that I know of, I never think twice about it and immediately offer my condolences and concern. I am sorry and regret that I did not offer you the same.
I can quite pinpoint exactly when I 'decided' in my mind that you were 'a troll.' I am sure some of the comparisons to the unborn and parasites may have set me off. Perhaps it was the remark about feeling the need to 'earn' a BFP and wanting to be able to relate to those who have experienced a loss. I admit, even at this moment, those comments still give me an unsettled feeling in my gut. However, those opinions/feelings should not -and do not- automatically make someone a troll, a liar and a person without the ability to show empathy, compassion, etc.
It went too far. I was out of control trying to 'right the wrong' when I was doing just the opposite.
Upon looking at some of the 'inconsistencies' and 'unbelieveable circumstances', I realized that really, we share much in common (I hope that does not insult you). I have experienced 2 losses, yet most of the time, I only talk about the 2nd one (the one I had mentioned in my first comment to you). For whatever reason, I just don't feel a strong need to mention my first loss. And I wonder if the reason why I've ever even mentioned it to strangers in the first place, was out of guilt of NOT mentioning it before, instead of having a true need for validation, closure and the other needs associated many times with loss.
I've also gotten pregnant not once, not twice, not three times, but four times, while on various forms of birth control. So I know firsthand that it can -and does- happen. I don't know why I didn't see the similarities in our past before. The anger and rage that I felt toward a potential faked story blinded me from the truth.
And for that I am truly sorry. I am sorry that you felt the need (and given the circumstances, I would have too) to prove yourself and your loss. I cannot imagine how hurtful it is to be falsely accused of such a horrible and deceitful act.
Don't feel the need to accept my apology. I am not expecting that you do. Honestly, as much as I hope that this apology will help you, I also hope that it will help myself. If nothing else, try to realize that I am deeply sorry for any additional pain I have caused you in this difficult time.
And the Mourner's Bill of Rights is always dead-on. I am glad someone shared it with you.
I am so sorry for you losses.
This did help me---A LOT, and I choose to publish it because I want to let people see that the ugly post did have an amends and so hopefully we can all just grow past this, and learn from it.
Trying to have a baby is a hard process- its a hard one on all of us and there are tons of emotions involved. Some times we just need to sit back and try to look in someone else's shoes.
Your words tore me apart to a new level of emotions I have never had to deal with before...and actually because of that I actually looked at alternative coping methods. I can't tell you I will go for them-but at least I did look. So I can go so far to even say THANK YOU for that.
And I totally except your apology. I just ask that you remember this moment if there is a next time and a new person who is like me. Please try to take a step back before posting or saying something.
Live, Learn and grow. Bad feelings and hate don't help anyone....no matter how they cope.
I think that the mourner's bill of rights is something I will try and remember forever.
Also, "Bad feelings and hate don't help anyone....no matter how they cope." Should be bolded.
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